When the Going Gets Tough

The drive back from Dayton yesterday gave me time to ponder after talking to my college-aged son before dropping him off after spring break. The week is always a very busy whirlwind and it’s over in a blink of an eye.
Our discussion on the way to Dayton included talking about getting through the things that are hard in life. On the way home I thought of the many seniors through the years who taught me about working through the tough times. I told my son that it didn’t matter how old you are, working through difficulties can happen at any age.
Those countless seniors taught so many lessons. Most of all they taught, and continue to teach, that it really is all about attitude. “Change the way you look at things and it may change the way things look.”
Part of the gift of activities is the opportunity to put a new slant on how things look. I think of the man who used to like to walk to the corner store and buy candy – not to eat it but to give it away. He talked continually about “wanting to go home” and “needing to walk to the store.” What was possible was to create a “store” down the hall and around the corner in the social worker’s office where he could go whenever he needed and get candy to pass out. We needed to recreate the pattern of his favorite past time so it “looked” similar while he was in the nursing home. It was sugar free candy to protect those who became his recipients but the activity made his whole outlook change about being there.
I have heard people discuss the difficulty and fear of dealing with memory loss, of transitioning into long term care, of needing to be dependent on other others, of having decisions made for them etc., etc. These were things that had to be addressed yet there was so much resistance to accepting a solution. Few people embrace change by means of excitement and with age, adjustments become harder and at times are filled with confusion. Activities, and/or thinking out of the box can help. Sometimes it is as simple as listening – maybe listening again and again, but listening.
In helping one woman with transitioning, having a regular ritual of reminiscing with the memorabilia in her room was comforting to her. If the person had a religious background, I found that reciting prayers or readings or other faith based-practices that they found consoling was an activity that aided them.
To me, thinking out of the box is simply doing my best to hear where they are and trying to find a way to see the situation from their eyes. Then, by asking questions of them or their family, and by doing some trial and error activities, a solution can unfold.
They taught me that it’s OK to be angry about walking through the pain. Often, resisting and irritation are forms of communication that speak louder and clearer than silent acceptance. There were times when I saw it lead to medication and/or behavior modification if the anger was considered too severe or potentially harmful, but even in those instances, what the person was saying about how hard it was to overcome fear to adjust to the unknown left indelible marks on my heart and soul.
While interacting, their wisdom taught that the important things in life; belonging, relationship, connection, can help a person plough through when the going is tough. It’s one of the reasons that being an activity professional was so meaningful. We had the opportunity as part of our job description to find ways to assist with the connections and the relationships.
I remember the woman who took care of her disabled son all her life and health conditions led her into long term care while he had to transfer to a group home. She was a person who accepted with quiet graciousness that this was what had to be. The highlights in her life were days when the care givers from the group home would bring him to visit. They would meet, wheelchair to wheelchair and the time of the visit would always be too short. One day she shared that what she wished for was just the chance to hold him again. On the next visit, we were able to get them both to a sofa and seat them side-by-side where she was able to hold him and mother him again for the time they were together. We got a picture of them together and that became so meaningful to her on the days between the visits.
We all have times that present challenges, some greater than others. It is easy to dismiss the ones that our seniors have to deal with as just a part of aging. What they have to teach us about life when it hits hard is so important if we can take the time to listen. Mary Ann